I have no enjoyment in feeling blue. Depression sucks and sucks bigly. Sometimes, it its caused by events, disappointments, disillusionment, insatiability with life itself or things not panning out the way you desire. Heck, sometimes it is knowing the inevitability of something that will come and not being able to do a damn thing about it.
Sometimes, it just emerges because it loves to exist within you. That is often what I deal with. I could have a fantastic day and as soon as night falls and my daughter is knocked out, there it is. It drags me down this horrid pool of misery. It’s the most pestering feeling. Even having lights on in the room doesn’t ward it away. There are days where I wish I didn’t wake up or have to engage anyone for that matter.
My thoughts eventually go blank, cry with little to no provocation. The emotional withdrawals, feeling irate and even extremities with appetite — either not wanting to eat at all or wanting to gorge. My patience wears thin and my desire to socially interact minimizes. It also heightens my awareness of my own personal faults and instead of it motivating me to do better or be better, it makes me want to burrow and hide somewhere instead, believing th world would be a better place if I simply ceased to exist.
Ron Gunz
